VA meetings are held via phone. for a list of VA meetings and time visit http://violenceanonymous.org
VA meetings are held via phone. for a list of VA meetings and time visit http://violenceanonymous.org
Hello friends,I know each and everyone of us are always looking for that which would make life more wonderful. My friend Vika sent this to me. I thought to share it with you.
Processing Triggers request:
VA study companions:
Real Love study companions:
For three years I have been getting on the drama triangle with Shawn. In the last few months I have set some clear boundaries and have been endeavor to living life more on the durable triangle. I personally have never been a drug addict. Yet have buried myself in my own coping mechanism’s that are in many respects have been equally life destructive… and in some respects, life-saving!
My mind fragmented to keep me from accessing memories that I have had NO wherewithal to process (diagnosed DID late 2016)
I have used coping mechanisms such as: sex, masturbation, chocolate, Half and whole chocolate cakes, known harmful food (known health issues), excessive TV watching, excessive movie watching, excess Netflix watching, excessive novel reading (ranging from hours, to days, to weeks, even months a few times!!!).
I have used anger and even rage rather than sitting with the initial presenting feelings.
I have dove into Projects headfirst and NEGLECTED other important aspects of my life even My Own Children
I have dove into Rescuing and NEGLECTED other important aspects of my life even My Own Children
AND when I have, or some facet of me, has decided that changes in order I have gone about the change in self sabotaging, relationship destroying, burn my bridges, seriously out of balance manners.
This last one mentioned (change) is how I ended up in a relationship with The Kindred Spirit that is embodied as Shawn.
Below, please read my current issue and subject I wish to process triggers around:
Good morning Dolphin 🐬
I was just writing to a former member of a group that I attend weekly (MBT: mentalization based therapy). I contacted him in the last 48 hours to reconnect with his knowledge of a multi-month detox program due to Shawn voicing ever increasing open-mindedness repeatedly in the last few weeks.
The more I wrote the more I realize this information needs to be delivered to you in order to process my triggers around it:
Good morning Travis,
I heard from Shawn yesterday. He was calling from a borrowed phone. He lost his phone in the river??? He was calling from Mount Hood area. He drove himself. He recently purchased a $400 car rather than keep his commitment and pay for my RV to be repaired from damage he caused back in January. He has no drivers license and would need several hundred dollars (?1,200?) to clear up his record in order to restore/clear his juvenile/early adulthood record in order to get his FIRST drivers license at the age of 27. He once again informed me of his desire to embrace rehab as he rushed on to tell me that he had a relapse in the last 24 hours. I was in the middle of a very busy day and there was no time in the moment to process how his message landed with me. When the back-to-back busyness of my day concluded I found myself strongly drawn to behaviors of avoidance: Netflix immersion, Chocolate, Foods that taste great but do my body harm, neglect of self-care routine’s recently put into place…
At first I thought my avoidance/immersion behaviors had to do with finally having some downtime. Yet when I posed the question to myself, “why am I feeling excessively compulsively drawn to these behaviors when I have not for weeks now?”, the extreme sadness and a plethora of other feelings flooded me in relation to Shawn’s news delivered in the middle of my day busy, busy day.
Just 24 hours earlier he was asking me to dog sit for his companion, Kota, in order that he might say yes to a work opportunity where the property owner has dog fears due to past trauma.
He was going to give me $50 to save towards the needed repair of my RV. His plan was to drop his dog off with me for 48 hours and give me the money at the same time.
My health has declined to the point that I am not able to walk his dog. In addition my newly acquired in-home aide has me going to lots and lots of additional appointments to get improved medical and mental health assistance in place.
I offered my 13 year old son the position of dog sitting, he clearly and quickly declined.
When I gave Shawn the answer No to dog sitting he ended our call (he was not willing, in the moment, to bring by the $50 without also bringing by Kota) and contacted some of his other local acquaintances through Facebook and phone, attempting to arrange alternative dog sitting. On the one hand I admire his follow-through and attempt to acquire a dog sitter. Yet… Contacting his local acquaintances is probably how he got hooked up for drug use again.
It was part of his argument of why I/we should say yes to dog sitting. I think his exact words were, “nobody else I know is as stable as you”.
How staple am I when I can so rapidly return to drowning myself in avoidance behaviors with one deeply sad message in the middle of an otherwise positive and productive busy day??? What stability?
What do I do with this heart ache? What do I do with this extreme sadness? What do I do with this plethora of feelings I just don’t want to feel??? Thanks for listening,
This is Ana from VA
Checking to see if this is your correct email address. I found it in an old note of mine.
Let’s take a Lisa and John as an example. Lisa is susceptible to using drama in an attempt to meet her own needs. She has an unconscious propensity to see herself as a “Victim” and therefore jump onto the drama triangle in the “Victim” roll. From the “Victim” roll on the Drama Triangle, Lisa might begin a conversation with “Can’t anyone clean up after themselves around here?”. Lisa is clearly upset and since she is unaware of what she needs in this situation, she has decided to shame and guilt others into meeting her need for her. In this example Lisa sees herself as a “Victim” who is acting out the “Rescuer” roll. Rescuers use guilt and shame to coerce others into changing so that the “Victim” in them feels safe again. John, Lisa’s partner is weak in the area of drama as well. Since he has not yet developed, what I call the disciplined mind in regards to conflict, he is almost magnetically pulled onto the Drama Triangle with Lisa. John makes out that he is being coerced to change, which raises his heckles. What man wants to be hen-pecked? Because of the way John thinks about this situation he is now on the Drama Triangle as a “Victim” and is about to choose wether to Rescue Lisa by submitting to her will and becoming her doormat by cleaning up, or to play the Persecutor by pushing back. Men call Rescuing in this type of situation being pussy whipped, not because John is cleaning up, but because of the condition under which he is “helping”, since he is teaching Lisa that her coercion works and he is willing to play this game. If John chooses the Persecutor role he will use his physical size, voice or a gesture to show Lisa that he will protect himself from this attack at her expense. From this point you can fill in the blanks based on your own experience. This situation can escalate into any number of scenarios, none of which result in Lisa and John coming together to help each other meet their personal needs or the needs of their relationship. Repeat this scenario, or one like it, many times per month/year/decade and you can clearly see why their relationship is failing and that failure is spilling over into other aspects of John and Lisa’s lives. This dynamic at home, makes succeeding at work, at parenting, and at life more difficult and stressful.
Now what if Lisa and John know the difference between conflict-oriented living and cooperative living based on emotional intelligence? Could they avoid the split-up, the tension, the stress, the pain and instead find peace, love, support, and happiness in their personal, work and family relationships? Absolutely YES!
Great meeting today. We discussed how we lose money every time we get on the drama triangle and how we make more money when we are off the drama triangle. VA has taught me how to stay out of drama and is giving me more abundance and happiness. Thanks VA!
Hi fellow peaceful warriors,
After months of deliberation by VA members old and new, we have decided on an official list of tools for Violence Anonymous.
Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived. ~Abraham Lincoln
I was just reading the Vanity Fair article about Ken Starr and how he swindled so many A listers out of their money, by creating fake investments, conning them to turn over power of attorney to him and by manipulating their books. It got me thinking about how insidious this disease of rescuing is and how pervasive it is on my own financial dealings.
As a rescuer, I seduce people into believing a fantasy. I sense what they need and I position myself as the one person who can deliver that, even if I know it’s bullshit. Once I get them hooked and committed, I go about abusing them by taking advantage of the situation, never fully delivering what I promised. All of this is motivated by a belief that I need them to rescue me. YES both dynamics are happening simultaneously. “You rescue me and I’ll rescue you.”
As a rescuer I believe that I can’t meet my needs without the assistance of someone else, but the kicker is that I somehow believe that “someone else” has to do it for me. This makes it easy to justify being “a bit” dishonest with the “someone else” to get what I need. This dishonesty grows over time, since we all know addiction is progressive.
The good news, is I’m beginning to see it in my own behavior which means I can begin to identify it in others. This knowledge is helping meet my need to be healthy and successful in my recovery and my financial dealings.
I was walking into the mall this eve and I saw an attractive woman coming out. She was with a 7ish year old daughter, her husband and a boy about 4. I thought what a pretty woman and what a beautiful family and then I heard the small boy saying something in a whinny voice, as children do. Then I witness the mother mocking the child, “wa wa wa wa, ” she said. Under her breath but forcefully enough for the child to feel that vibe. I suddenly felt sad for them, because of my need to empower families and children. Another group of people, completely unaware that they are on the drama triangle and acting out violence.
I felt very grateful to have recovery from violent behavior and to know that, one day at a time, I don’t act like that any longer.
Ok, here is my attempt at describing the phenomenon, I’m currently calling Perpetrator Frustration. PART ONE describes the phenomenon. PART TWO describes the easy way.
I just witnessed another person doing it and it reminded me of when I used to jump on the drama triangle and act like a perpetrator. Here’s the progression. Which for me has taken up to two weeks of power and control behavior until I found resolution.
1. I have a need that I have recently discovered and I want to verbalize it, so I can get support in meeting my need.
2. Sadly, I have no discipline in asking for my needs. My fear, that I won’t get them met, then drives me onto the drama triangle. (loss of intimacy)
3. Now I’m acting like a victim. Expressing how this person has victimized me, rather than taking responsibility and asking for my needs in a healthy way.
4. The person I’m trying to communicate with, is now one step further from helping me because they are protecting themselves from my behavior.
Here’s the kicker…. I have now increased the waiting period for getting help from this person because I have offended them or put them off.
5. Still seething like a victim, I now have to apologize for the “way” that I spoke to them. (this adds to the fear that I will never get my needs met)
6. After a long period of seething (seeing myself as a victim) and in many cases arguing and fighting for days or weeks, I finally come around to seeing that I am not dependent on the other person to get my needs met and I can calmly express my need.
7. Surprise! the other person warms to my speaking honestly and intimately about my feelings (since I’m now owning that THEY aren’ t responsible for making me feel a certain way)
1. Be honest with myself about the feeling that are coming up about not having met this need for most of my life. (Most often, Grief)
2. Use non-violent communication to express my feelings, needs and desire for help in getting them met.
When neither, I or the person I’m asking for help, is on the drama triangle, this process takes less than an hour.
Tonight I went to a movie. X-men First Class. I expected to escape into a different world for a bit and enjoy someone’s vision of what life is like. What I didn’t expect was to hear the voice of a 5 or 6 year old in the theater. A pg-13 movie has much more violence than I personally would show my kid at 13, let alone 6. But I am not writing to harp on about that. About half way through the film, I heard the boy say he needed to go to the bathroom. The father began to chastise him and make threatening gestures and comments to him in hushed tones. I thought about reporting the man, but instead I prayed for them both, especially for the protection of the young boy. I’ve trained my mind to bypass all of the judgements that I used to throw at the father, who, let’s face it was being abusing and playing the victim to his young son’s bladder. The father relented and in “victim fashion” took the boy out to pee. The man was 6 foot and at least 230 pounds. 6 times the size of this little boy.
After the film, I happened to be behind them during the walk to the parking lot and I heard the man and his eldest son, maybe 12… big kid, interogating the little boy. Asking, “Why can you watch an entire movie and home, but when we go to a theater you have to leave?’ I thought to myself, “Maybe because he’s just a little boy and the massive movie screen with all that violence is overwhelming… or maybe he’s just a little kid who needs to move to get the stimulation out of his body.” What ever the reason, I prayed for that little boy and his older brother who was learning from the father how to bully his sibling.
I thought, this is why there is a small group of us who have started Violence Anonymous. Because 10, 15, 20 years from now, those two boys, or people who grew up in similar abusive situations will need VA, just like we do today.