Processing Triggers request:
VA study companions:
Real Love study companions:
For three years I have been getting on the drama triangle with Shawn. In the last few months I have set some clear boundaries and have been endeavor to living life more on the durable triangle. I personally have never been a drug addict. Yet have buried myself in my own coping mechanism’s that are in many respects have been equally life destructive… and in some respects, life-saving!
My mind fragmented to keep me from accessing memories that I have had NO wherewithal to process (diagnosed DID late 2016)
I have used coping mechanisms such as: sex, masturbation, chocolate, Half and whole chocolate cakes, known harmful food (known health issues), excessive TV watching, excessive movie watching, excess Netflix watching, excessive novel reading (ranging from hours, to days, to weeks, even months a few times!!!).
I have used anger and even rage rather than sitting with the initial presenting feelings.
I have dove into Projects headfirst and NEGLECTED other important aspects of my life even My Own Children
I have dove into Rescuing and NEGLECTED other important aspects of my life even My Own Children
AND when I have, or some facet of me, has decided that changes in order I have gone about the change in self sabotaging, relationship destroying, burn my bridges, seriously out of balance manners.
This last one mentioned (change) is how I ended up in a relationship with The Kindred Spirit that is embodied as Shawn.
Below, please read my current issue and subject I wish to process triggers around:
Good morning Dolphin 🐬
I was just writing to a former member of a group that I attend weekly (MBT: mentalization based therapy). I contacted him in the last 48 hours to reconnect with his knowledge of a multi-month detox program due to Shawn voicing ever increasing open-mindedness repeatedly in the last few weeks.
The more I wrote the more I realize this information needs to be delivered to you in order to process my triggers around it:
Good morning Travis,
I heard from Shawn yesterday. He was calling from a borrowed phone. He lost his phone in the river??? He was calling from Mount Hood area. He drove himself. He recently purchased a $400 car rather than keep his commitment and pay for my RV to be repaired from damage he caused back in January. He has no drivers license and would need several hundred dollars (?1,200?) to clear up his record in order to restore/clear his juvenile/early adulthood record in order to get his FIRST drivers license at the age of 27. He once again informed me of his desire to embrace rehab as he rushed on to tell me that he had a relapse in the last 24 hours. I was in the middle of a very busy day and there was no time in the moment to process how his message landed with me. When the back-to-back busyness of my day concluded I found myself strongly drawn to behaviors of avoidance: Netflix immersion, Chocolate, Foods that taste great but do my body harm, neglect of self-care routine’s recently put into place…
At first I thought my avoidance/immersion behaviors had to do with finally having some downtime. Yet when I posed the question to myself, “why am I feeling excessively compulsively drawn to these behaviors when I have not for weeks now?”, the extreme sadness and a plethora of other feelings flooded me in relation to Shawn’s news delivered in the middle of my day busy, busy day.
Just 24 hours earlier he was asking me to dog sit for his companion, Kota, in order that he might say yes to a work opportunity where the property owner has dog fears due to past trauma.
He was going to give me $50 to save towards the needed repair of my RV. His plan was to drop his dog off with me for 48 hours and give me the money at the same time.
My health has declined to the point that I am not able to walk his dog. In addition my newly acquired in-home aide has me going to lots and lots of additional appointments to get improved medical and mental health assistance in place.
I offered my 13 year old son the position of dog sitting, he clearly and quickly declined.
When I gave Shawn the answer No to dog sitting he ended our call (he was not willing, in the moment, to bring by the $50 without also bringing by Kota) and contacted some of his other local acquaintances through Facebook and phone, attempting to arrange alternative dog sitting. On the one hand I admire his follow-through and attempt to acquire a dog sitter. Yet… Contacting his local acquaintances is probably how he got hooked up for drug use again.
It was part of his argument of why I/we should say yes to dog sitting. I think his exact words were, “nobody else I know is as stable as you”.
How staple am I when I can so rapidly return to drowning myself in avoidance behaviors with one deeply sad message in the middle of an otherwise positive and productive busy day??? What stability?
What do I do with this heart ache? What do I do with this extreme sadness? What do I do with this plethora of feelings I just don’t want to feel??? Thanks for listening,