Perpetrator Frustration

Ok, here is my attempt at describing the phenomenon, I’m currently calling Perpetrator Frustration. PART ONE describes the phenomenon. PART TWO describes the easy way.

PART ONE
I just witnessed another person doing it and it reminded me of when I used to jump on the drama triangle and act like a perpetrator. Here’s the progression. Which for me has taken up to two weeks of power and control behavior until I found resolution.

1. I have a need that I have recently discovered and I want to verbalize it, so I can get support in meeting my need.
2. Sadly, I have no discipline in asking for my needs. My fear, that I won’t get them met, then drives me onto the drama triangle. (loss of intimacy)
3. Now I’m acting like a victim. Expressing how this person has victimized me, rather than taking responsibility and asking for my needs in a healthy way.
4. The person I’m trying to communicate with, is now one step further from helping me because they are protecting themselves from my behavior.

Here’s the kicker…. I have now increased the waiting period for getting help from this person because I have offended them or put them off.

5. Still seething like a victim, I now have to apologize for the “way” that I spoke to them. (this adds to the fear that I will never get my needs met)
6. After a long period of seething (seeing myself as a victim) and in many cases arguing and fighting for days or weeks, I finally come around to seeing that I am not dependent on the other person to get my needs met and I can calmly express my need.
7. Surprise! the other person warms to my speaking honestly and intimately about my feelings (since I’m now owning that THEY aren’ t responsible for making me feel a certain way)

PART TWO
1. Be honest with myself about the feeling that are coming up about not having met this need for most of my life. (Most often, Grief)
2. Use non-violent communication to express my feelings, needs and desire for help in getting them met.

When neither, I or the person I’m asking for help, is on the drama triangle, this process takes less than an hour.

Thoughts?

J

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One response to “Perpetrator Frustration

  1. This accurately described how I felt when me and my ex would get into arguments. I would get frustrated because I had to make them feel better before I could get anything I needed. Not recognizing that it was my fault, I blamed him for being selfish and not considering my feelings, when it was really me who didn’t consider his at the time.

    It wasn’t always like that. I was caring and understanding, and when I felt like I wasn’t getting it back, I started to not care about him anymore and try focusing on getting what I want. When my needs still weren’t met, I became violent instead of leaving the relationship. And now he has left me. I feel wasted and worn out and very much regretful. I wish I had seen this sooner.

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