previously posted on Thursday, May 21, 2009
Yesterday, while trying to create a plan with my wife on how we can get her to treatment for PTSD she triggered and convinced herself… honestly I’m not sure what she convinced herself of, but it appeared that in her mind I became the abuser and she thought she was being controlled in some way. For one of the first times in my recovery, I can actually say that I was not behaving in a controlling fashion. I definitely feel a sense of urgency, since she has been ill for a year now and is getting worse, in my opinion, by the day. At any rate, at my suggestion that maybe she wait to sell her horses after she returned from 30 days with professional help, she triggered and was unreachable. Nothing that fell from her lips was rational at that point and our conversation as two adults working together was derailed.
I took a time out, letting her know that I would return in 5 minutes to, hopefully, continue our conversation. After 5 minutes, I returned, but she was still swimming in a sea of victimhood and I was helpless to help her back to the land of sane thinking. I gathered my things to move back into a friend’s house to give her some space to get her head straight and took some time with my son to try to explain what was going on and when I would return for him. He assured me that he was ok staying with mommy but cried that I had to leave. As I pulled out of the drive, I was stopped by a deputy sheriff who demanded I stay and explain what was going on.
The beautiful thing about it was that I actually had no fear of the deputy or the situation, knowing that I had used the tools of VA to stay cool and calm. In the past I would have been shitting myself, knowing that I had actually laid a hand on her or screamed and shouted horrible things at her. This time thanks to VA, none of that had happened. It was embarrassing, since the cleaner was there and I had to call a client and cancel an appointment while the deputy cleared me to go. I took the time to play with my son and did my best not to give him the impression that anything was wrong. Thanks VA.