Great meeting today. We discussed how we lose money every time we get on the drama triangle and how we make more money when we are off the drama triangle. VA has taught me how to stay out of drama and is giving me more abundance and happiness. Thanks VA!
Ok, here is my attempt at describing the phenomenon, I’m currently calling Perpetrator Frustration. PART ONE describes the phenomenon. PART TWO describes the easy way.
I just witnessed another person doing it and it reminded me of when I used to jump on the drama triangle and act like a perpetrator. Here’s the progression. Which for me has taken up to two weeks of power and control behavior until I found resolution.
1. I have a need that I have recently discovered and I want to verbalize it, so I can get support in meeting my need.
2. Sadly, I have no discipline in asking for my needs. My fear, that I won’t get them met, then drives me onto the drama triangle. (loss of intimacy)
3. Now I’m acting like a victim. Expressing how this person has victimized me, rather than taking responsibility and asking for my needs in a healthy way.
4. The person I’m trying to communicate with, is now one step further from helping me because they are protecting themselves from my behavior.
Here’s the kicker…. I have now increased the waiting period for getting help from this person because I have offended them or put them off.
5. Still seething like a victim, I now have to apologize for the “way” that I spoke to them. (this adds to the fear that I will never get my needs met)
6. After a long period of seething (seeing myself as a victim) and in many cases arguing and fighting for days or weeks, I finally come around to seeing that I am not dependent on the other person to get my needs met and I can calmly express my need.
7. Surprise! the other person warms to my speaking honestly and intimately about my feelings (since I’m now owning that THEY aren’ t responsible for making me feel a certain way)
1. Be honest with myself about the feeling that are coming up about not having met this need for most of my life. (Most often, Grief)
2. Use non-violent communication to express my feelings, needs and desire for help in getting them met.
When neither, I or the person I’m asking for help, is on the drama triangle, this process takes less than an hour.
Tonight I went to a movie. X-men First Class. I expected to escape into a different world for a bit and enjoy someone’s vision of what life is like. What I didn’t expect was to hear the voice of a 5 or 6 year old in the theater. A pg-13 movie has much more violence than I personally would show my kid at 13, let alone 6. But I am not writing to harp on about that. About half way through the film, I heard the boy say he needed to go to the bathroom. The father began to chastise him and make threatening gestures and comments to him in hushed tones. I thought about reporting the man, but instead I prayed for them both, especially for the protection of the young boy. I’ve trained my mind to bypass all of the judgements that I used to throw at the father, who, let’s face it was being abusing and playing the victim to his young son’s bladder. The father relented and in “victim fashion” took the boy out to pee. The man was 6 foot and at least 230 pounds. 6 times the size of this little boy.
After the film, I happened to be behind them during the walk to the parking lot and I heard the man and his eldest son, maybe 12… big kid, interogating the little boy. Asking, “Why can you watch an entire movie and home, but when we go to a theater you have to leave?’ I thought to myself, “Maybe because he’s just a little boy and the massive movie screen with all that violence is overwhelming… or maybe he’s just a little kid who needs to move to get the stimulation out of his body.” What ever the reason, I prayed for that little boy and his older brother who was learning from the father how to bully his sibling.
I thought, this is why there is a small group of us who have started Violence Anonymous. Because 10, 15, 20 years from now, those two boys, or people who grew up in similar abusive situations will need VA, just like we do today.